lately.

as of late, i've been in a pretty shitty funk of a mood. what's new though, right?

but really, i look in the mirror and seriously could not tell you who was staring back at me..

i continuously place myself in bad moods dwelling on the past and attempting to predict the future.

I AM NOT GOD.

and i never will be.

all i know is today and how i can prepare and be good with tomorrow.

yesterday is done, what happened in it i cannot get back, so why worry about it?

i worry about sooo much.

like, yeah, i am a worry wart, but about things that are worry-aboutable.

i was once a self-proclaimed hippie, now i sit alone in baltimore bound by a job?

NO. FUCK NO.

i have to learn how to let things go. i have to learn to accept what i cannot control.

i've been trying to force a lot of situations lately.. not only emotionally but interpersonally as well. i don't have organic conversations anymore.. i'm always thinking two steps ahead of the conversation.

i don't even genuinely enjoy hanging out with my own friends these days, it's more like i know it's what i should do, therefor i do it.

i do NOT intend to stay like this.

lately i have been merely existing, taking every day hour by hour, counting them down and watching the clock until the next day.

pathetic, huh?

the worst part about it all is that i am KNOWINGLY doing this to MYSELF.

tisk, tisk.

however, i haven't yet admitted this to myself.. until now, of course.

writing has always been therapeutic for me and in hard times, that is where i turn.

i recently bought a journal that PALES in comparison to my first one (which is still out there somewhere O_o) but it will get the job done.

for some reason, actually SEEING my thoughts outlined on paper helps me.. either because it was something so futile and pointless that i have to laugh at it, or because it's something beautiful that was once trapped in my mind and seeing it makes me smile and reminds me that everything will be okay.

the state that i am in, i've forgotten the beautiful part of myself.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

I AM the life of the party.

I get everyone drunker than they planned.

I pass around more shots than i take.

I TAKE more shots than i need.

I ENCOURAGE happiness and positivity.

I EXUDE optimism.

I am a GORGEOUS specimen of female.

My mind in beautiful.

I have meaningful and intellectual conversations.

MY SPIRIT IS FREE.

I AM BLESSED.

not to mention, i'm a beautiful person.. inside and out.

i took a lot of things in 2010 for granted (arguably thee greatest year of my life)

i think God is showing me how to humble myself.

i deserve nothing, but have been blessed with everything.

i plan on writing in my journal daily and getting back Lesley.

not sure who's gonna read this, if anyone, (lol all you 6 awesome followers you) but it damn sure made me feel a whole lot better.

^_^